Bits 'N Pieces From Our Readers

Church Bloopers

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences ACTUALLY appeared in church bulletins, or were announced in church services:

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer and Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals."

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers.' Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time!

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J. F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 p.m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread, and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5 p.m. - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 p.m. will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

LADIES Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double doors at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday - "I'm Upping My Pledge - Up Yours."

Thanks to P.O. for sending these funnies


Sophie Tucker's Rules for Survival

What a woman needs

From birth to 18 -- a good mother

18 to 35 -- good looks

35 to 55 -- good personality

55 on -- money

Thanks  to P.O.


Pocket Angel

I Am A Tiny Angel
I'm Smaller Than Your Thumb;
I Live In People's Pockets
That's Where I Have My Fun.
I Don't Suppose You've Seen Me,
I'm Too Tiny To Detect;
Though I'm With You All The Time,
I Doubt We've Ever Met.

Before I Was An Angel
I Was A Fairy In A Flower;
God, Himself, Hand-Picked Me,
And Gave Me Angel Power.

And Because God Is So Busy,
With Way Too Much To Do;
He Said My Assignment
Is To Keep A Close Watch On You.

When He Tucked Me In Your Pocket
He Blessed You With Angel Care;
Then Told Me To Never Leave You,
And I Vowed Always To Be There.

Thanks to J.M.


Devil in the Church

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Thanks to J.M.


An Irish Friendship Wish

May there always be work for your hands to do;
May your purse always hold a coin or two;
May the sun always shine on your windowpane;
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
May the hand of a friend always be near you;
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

OK, this is what you have to do.... Send this to all of your friends!
But - you HAVE to send this within 1 hour from when you open it!

Now.................Make A wish!!!!!!
I hope you made your wish! Now then, if you send to:
1 person --- your wish will be granted in 1year
3 people --- 6 months
5 people --- 3 months
6 people --- 1 month
7 people --- 2 weeks
8 people --- 1 week
9 people --- 5 days
10 people --- 3 days
12 people --- 2 days
15 people --- 1 day
20 people --- 3 hours

Thanks to J.M.


New Billboards

Some new billboards are getting attention in Cleveland. Some reported seeing one or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of them. Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text.These are great...enjoy.

Tell the kids I love them  -God

Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.   -God

C'mon over and bring the kids.      -God

What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?    -God

We need to talk.    -God

Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.       -God

Loved the wedding, now invite me into the marriage.       -God

That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it.       -God

I love you and you and you and you and...    -God

Will the road you're on get you to my place?    -God

Follow me.    -God

Big bang theory?... You've got to be kidding!!!    -God

My way is the highway.    -God

Need directions?    -God

You think it's hot here?    -God

Have you read my #1 best seller? There'll be a test.       -God

Do you have any idea where you're going?    -God

Don't make me come down there!!!    -God

Thanks to J.M.